Help! I Have A Uterus!

15 03 2012

Dysphoria, as defined by wikipedia, is:

Dysphoria is medically recognized as a mental and emotional condition in which a person experiences intense feelings of depression, discontent and indifference to the world around them.

Gender Identity Disorder, is defined by wikipedia as:

Gender identity disorder (GID) is the formal diagnosis used by psychologists and physicians to describe persons who experience significant gender dysphoria (discontent with their biological sex and/or the gender they were assigned at birth).

I, personally, have not been diagnosed with gender identity disorder. I have not been to anyone who could diagnose me. The reason for this is that until recently, all of my focus has been on controlling my anxiety and depression. While those are hardly cured, they are manageable for now, which leaves me to pursue other issues in my life. Namely, gender and sexuality. I hope to soon see a therapist who focuses on gender issues, though I’m not sure I can afford that right now on top of my regular therapist. This leaves me only to tell you, my dear readers, that I do in fact suffer from gender dysphoria. And discussing that is the purpose of this post.

I don’t believe I have the amount of gender dysphoria a lot of binary trans* people have. I don’t know for certain, but just from hearing about how this affects other trans* people, well, it sounds way worse than what I go through. That in no way invalidates my pain, however. Anyone who has to go through this understands how painful it can be, to have a body that doesn’t suit what your mind believes should be there. It goes beyond looking down at, say, your breasts and wishing they were different. It’s a feeling that your breasts, or your penis, or whatever body part is problematic for you, and knowing in your soul that it does not belong there. Or that you are missing a part of you that ought to be there.

My own dysphoria centers on primary sex characteristics, or my sex organs. I’m fine with how they look on the outside, it’s what inside that counts. Like, for example, my breasts. Half the time I love them. The other half I want them to be gone. But either way, it’s not how they looks that constantly bothers me. It’s the mammary glands. Yes, if they were made up of just fat I would be just peachy keen with having boobs. Same thing with my other bits. It’s the uterus I have a problem with. The periods, and most of all, the ability to have children. It doesn’t matter that I’m on birth control. My body has the ability to have a baby. That is so wrong for me. I have no problem with kids. I might have kids of my own one day, if I decide to adopt or my partner gives birth. But having them myself? It freaks me out just writing about it.

None of this can be solved easily. Sure, I can get my tubes tied or have a hysterectomy or something. But who’s going preform that kind of procedure on a 21 year old? And I don’t intend to transition to male, so I can’t exactly go that route. I honestly don’t really know what I can do about it. The only thing that works right now is fooling myself. Pretending that the things that cause my dysphoria just don’t exist. I can see no other solution for the foreseeable future.




3 responses

15 03 2012

Dysphoria stinks and it hits everyone in a different way. Ive learned that listening to the community to gauge my own feelings is never going to help me in the long run. Like I said everyone is different and everyone experiences things differently… plus people lie. Alot of people think they “arent trans enough” because they gauge themselves against others… im guilty of that alot myself.

I am in the same boat as you currently with not being able to see a therapist… blogging has REALLY helped me out though so hopefully it helps you as well. People are pretty awesome on wordpress and will definetly leave some helpful comments if you ever blog more about it.

Cant wait to see what else you write about on the topic =).

15 03 2012

I definitely fall into that pattern of comparing my own experiences with others, looking for validation. It’s something I’m working on not doing, but I suppose that might take a while
It’s good to hear that blogging has helped another person. I hope it helps me as much as it has you.

18 03 2012

Really try not to compare your experiences with those of others. You are you and we each experience our selves and the world differently. Good luck on your journey. Trust yourself.

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